Times that Kill

These are the lonely times,
the abandoned times,
the honeydew-sweet stinging times.
These are the times that burn,
those gripping times whose iron grasp
squeezes the very marrow out of my hope
and leaves me naked, shivering cold,
frostbitten,
with a deadened smile stapled to my face.

These are the numb times,
the dark times,
the midnights with no lover,
the addict that drains the last drop from my veins
and feeds it to the worms.

These are times that make me loathe
the very substance of happiness:
Beauty, with her hideous transparent skin
that I could peel off in tiny strips,
wrap my inadequate hands around her pretty neck,
and strangle the existence
from that diseased, foul bitch.

These are the times
when I kill myself slowly,
minute by minute,
memory by horrid memory
playing over in my mind;
I am blindfolded yet the pictures flash
by me in full color.
I am only shown the ones that mortify me
to my core:
The lovers I’ve scared away with my inexperience,
those trembling moments when I
become motionless with fear,
the moments when I am at my very ugliest,
naked and open for the world to see into.

These are the times, I fear,
that will be my defeat,
as they slowly eat away at me from the inside out.
Sometimes they are forgiving times, and they show some mercy still -
sometimes they gnaw my flesh from the outside in.

Watch it. Watch it. Watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVUecPhQPqY

Obama will be president!

“It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.” –President Elect Barack Obama

Read the whole transcript from last night’s victory speech here

I am so proud of my country today. I couldn’t be happier that Barack Obama will be our next president. I’ve toiled around all day on what to post here and words just cannot describe the pride I feel for our country and the wealth of hope I have for the next four years. I truly believe that Obama is what America needs right now to heal herself.

I’m sending him a congratulatory card.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Birthday Girl

As of my birthday yesterday, I am officially a quarter of a century old. The big 2-5. And I can’t stop thinking, holy wowza. How did I get here?

It seems like it’s a million years coming that I am finally in a happy place and have everything I’ve ever wanted. The husband. The picket-fence. The shiny jewelry (he gave me a new ring as a birthday gift and it’s bling-tastic).

I have it all, and I still have my sad days, my cry-days, my punch-you-in-the-face days. But for the most part, I am happy. I am content. I am merely Stormy, with a grin upon her face. A dirty evil grin? Perhaps. But a grin all the same.

We close on my new house on Monday!!!! :)

In the birch forest we sliced the paper bark from the trees,

and took them home to line Easter baskets

I have a novel in my head and it’s been there for years and it’s tearing my pretty scalp-flesh apart trying to escape. But I keep shoving it back in and sewing the wound shut and I go another day without writing it. Another year. Another lifetime.

Its been in my head since age everyage and ever since she died it’s been pounding in my brain HARDER and HARDER and HARDER.

But Nana’s Cabin goes unwritten. And she is dead and I do not honor her. And I am terrible. And I am done.

Ignorance in central Ohio

Photograph courtesy of Patricia Pierce 2008

I open a Word document every day and stare at the pulsing cursor. What to write? What will matter? What is worth saying? And I come to the conclusion that I have nothing to say, nothing worth the effort of putting finger to key.

I think I’m empty. Cored out like a Halloween pumpkin. Bereft of motivation, I slam the laptop shut and turn my eyes toward the TV and watch another meaningless show. Mindless girl watching mindless TV. After a few hours, I retreat to bed. My day has been unproductive, and I have expected nothing more of myself.

I think I am perhaps too terribly dull to want to write anything here. A post about my house. Big fucking whoop. A whopping one person will read this post, and even he probably only does it out of kindness to the poor boring girl without an original thought in her head.

I don’t paint. I don’t sing. I don’t know how to fold napkins into swans. I don’t play music. I don’t make art. Well, I try to make art, but I fail in the attempt. I don’t make cool podcasts or video diaries, I don’t have any HTML knowledge or any computer knowledge for that matter to make this pathetic blog look cool. I don’t do anything with my mind or hands worth talking about.

I am the talentless. The empty human who must needs walk the earth all her days so the people with talent will feel all the more talent-filled in comparison. I’m the jar that isn’t even half empty because no one bothered to put “half” of anything in to begin with. I am the empty, the ugly, the useless, the lame. I am a void in the world that has taken shape and dressed in ratty clothing.

I have accepted that I am empty but all the same I wish I were one of you. So talented, so beautiful, shiny and new like a nickel that a real person would jingle in their pocket. So I watch you and I wonder what it must feel like to be someone.

We found our house!!!!!!

After searching for houses for all of an hour, we found our house this past Saturday! It was the 3rd house our awesome realtor Carol showed us. As soon as I walked in I said to her, “Cancel the other showings – this is my house.”

It is beautiful. And not just because it is mine (ya know, like how parents think their kid is the best even if they’re a little slow or stupid or a general pain in the ass). It’s a flip house which means a few months ago it was a decrepit heap in the middle of suburbia, but a couple bought the house and renovated the whole thing – new flooring, drywall, bathrooms, entire new kitchen, everything. The wood floors are so shiny. The carpeting is the plushest ever. And the appliances have never been turned on! Brand spanking new, the whole house.

It’s 3 bedrooms and 1.5 baths of pure beauty. And it will be mine on Oct 22nd, which also happens to be my 25th birthday. Happy birthday to me!

Chicken My Foot

So I’m watching season 3 of Prison Break last night, which Netflix so kindly delivered to me. I don’t watch many shows on TV because I always forget to watch an episode, then I fall behind, and it gets me all messed up. So I tend to rent my TV shows from Netflix.

Anyhow, this one scene comes up and one character says to another, “You want me to chicken-foot Sammy?” …… And I immediately burst out laughing.

(Chicken-foot: In the prison, if a prisoner throws a chicken foot down in front of another inmate, the two will have a gladiator-style fight to the death).

Anyhow, I’m laughing because I realize that Chicken Foot Sammy would be an awesome name for a band.

And now my goal in life is to find a nameless rock band, and dub them Chicken Foot Sammy.

Sweet.

Of fences and skittles

So we met with Carol, our realtor last night. She was a super sweet lady and listened to exactly what we are looking for a house, on our very small budget. And she couldn't have been more accomodating. She is lining up some houses we found online for Eric to view on Tuesday. The bummer thing is, I am out of vacation days and can't take Tuesday off to view the homes with him, so I have to fully trust his judgement that he A) doesn't bid on a terrible house and B) doesn't pass up a great house. I'm a little nervous about that one. I'm hoping I can trust him enough to make a decision if he has to.

The realtor is looking for a quick 30-day closing after we find a house we like. So quick! I always though closing took 2-4 months, which would give us plenty of time to pack at our leisure and save up the down payment and moving costs. Nope! 30 days to get our shit in gear. Which makes it all the more exciting.

One bad note: I looked into the cost of fencing in our yard once we find a house and yowza! Fencing companies sure make a lot of money off of a little wood and concrete. Lets hope Eric finds us a house that already has a fenced in yard. Can't have my skittle-head chihuahua boy slipping out of the yard. I've done the searching-for-dog-with-flashlight-in-middle-of-night dance a few too many times.

i make a mean pot of tea / i say yes when I mean no / i pick my nose / i fart in bed / i smile sweetly at strangers / i kiss my dogs on the lips / i punch you when i’m mad / i kick you when i’m sad / i fall asleep listening to cartoons / i snooze away my afternoons

i’m yours baby / all yours

Maserati say what?

As I pulled into work today, one of these was pulling out. As it drive past me it growled like an angry tiger. So, so hot.

Yippie!



















I can't contain my excitement any longer! I haven't wanted to say anything for fear that if I speak about it it will disappear. But after talking to the mortgage lady again, it's for real! Eric and I have been approved for a mortgage. Finally! After being turned down last year due to debt and bad credit, we have worked so hard this year to pay down bad debt and to make wiser choices financially.

After moving to Columbus, Eric was out of work for a while, and we charged everything - and I mean EVERYTHING, down to my chihuahua - to credit cards. Pizza? Put it on the card. Shampoo? Put it on the card. Even groceries and gas went on the cards "just until Eric finds a job out here." Well, before long we were so badly in debt I thought we'd be stuck in a crappy apartment forever. But we've been GOOD this year! Paying things off left and right, making smart decisions with every paycheck. And with our fingers crossed last Thursday, we applied for a mortgage one more time. And we were approved!

So now I don't even know where to go from here. I don't know how to look for a realtor. I don't know how to look at houses. I don't know what to look for in a home inspection. I don't even understand how property taxes and home owner's insurance works. So now I'm in research mode trying to become a very imformed first time homebuyer. Because I do not want to mess this up. This is too important. This is our first home, the first big thing we will be doing that solidifies us being adults. Which makes me proud of the people we are turning into. Responsible adults, who knew!

I'm sure I'll be talking about the homebuying process a lot in the coming months. So stay tuned! I can't wait for the fun to begin, looking at houses. So exciting!

Please take a moment to read Chai's Story. Chai is a sweet dog who had to have his tongue amputated due to this very dangerous toy.

Reading all day about Sarah Palin on CNN has made my blood boil (for real, it hurts). So instead of ranting about said gutter slut, I wanted to post something beautiful.

Here are a few pics I took while on my wedding-honeymoon in St. Lucia this past May.

Room for two: nineteen years

Today was Jury Duty Day # 2. I'll save you the boring details of hours spent sitting on hard benches reading The Mists of Avalon, a book I've read a dozen times, while waiting to be called into the courtroom. Which took up most of Friday and today. Other than that, nothing much has happened. But today we finally got to meet the 3 accused men and their defense lawyers.

I say "men" but really mean 3 scared little tattooed boys wearing grownup clothes and practically choking back yelps of terror, as us jurors are ushered into the room and take our spots in the juror's box. I'm not an actual juror yet - I just get to sit in the fancy box as the prosecution and defense layers ask us question after question - such as "What does 'beyond a resonable doubt' mean to you?" This process of Jury Selection is called some fancy name, but I can't remember it, and Wikipedia (which is usually so kind to me) can't seem to help me remember.

Anyhow. The day (and trial) ended abruptly today when the defense attorney asked the judge for a recess to talk in the judge's quarters. After an hour and a half of waiting (and reading my book, and noticing the poor lady next to me is going bald), we are brought back into the courtroom. The 3 accused men decided to take a plea bargain (at the cost of 19 years in prison each) rather than face a jury.

Holy. Tamale. Batgirl.

With the thought of signing one's life away for 19 years (still can't make it fit in my head), I leave the courthouse, drop off my Juror's badge, and attempt to drive out of the city. Which includes me driving the wrong way down a 1-way street, and idling behind a parked car and wondering why they wouldn't move with traffic.

The conclusion? I'm glad I was picked by random out of the voter's pool. It was definitely an experience I am glad for. Oh, and robbing a liquor store, then a convenience store, than robbing and beating up a lady, then stealing a car, robbing a walmart, stealing another car, and getting into a high-speed case, evidently gets you a plea bargain for 19 years in prision. Which, yeesh, I still can't comprehend.

A Jury Duty Day # 1 Haiku:

Ah, Jury Duty
He should have read the fine print;
Felon dragged from court.

Today when the judge said "If anyone has any problem being here and serving on Jury Duty, now is the time to speak," a trash-tastic man in the back raised his hand.

"What if we know you?" he asks.
"How do you know me?" Judge replies.
"You convicted me and sent me to jail five years ago."
"Oh. Ah, Bailif, you may show this man out."

Totally sweet. Jury Duty Day #2 to commence on Tuesday.

Shovel my poo

Thru-hiking is the process of hiking a long-distance trail from end to end. The term is most commonly associated with the Appalachian Trail, but is also used for other lengthy trails and long distance hikes, including the Pacific Crest Trail, and the Continental Divide Trail. Thru-hiking is also called "end-to-end hiking" or "end-to-ending" on some trails, like Vermont's Long Trail. - Wikipedia

Of late, my husband has been doing extensive research online about thru-hiking, particularly on Andrew Skura’s website. Evidently Mr. Skura is the Michael Phelps of thru-hiking, and also appears to be my husband’s latest man crush (second only to Alton Brown of Food Network fame). A 2,000-3,000 mile long hike is a walk in the park for people like Andrew Skura.

So every night lately, I get filled in on hiking stats, info on lightweight gear and clothing, and which nutrition bars pack the most calories per ounce. Why? Because my husband’s new goal in life is to be a thru hiker and to complete the Vermont Long Trail in September 2009. And he wants me to do it with him. Right now I’m taking the challenge with a handful of salt. It would mean me losing about 150 pounds in the next 13 months, and conditioning myself to be able to hike at least 10 miles per day. Crazy? Yes. But if this motivates me to get my fat ass moving, I’ll take it. Eric (the hubby) on the other hand, is taking this challenge seriously and is already hinting at Christmas presents ranging from an iPood shovel (seriously?) to ultra lightweight water bottles and bear repellant.

This is the kind of crazy scheme I am used to. A year ago Eric wanted to start a tobacco farm and make his own cigars. The year before that he wanted to open a winery. Will he stick to this one and actually make the 270-mile hike through Vermont? Probably not. But for now it’s fun to sit back and watch him dream. And try on his new little hiker shorts. Go on, flex that butt.

The iPood. Yep.

Guess who's back with a brand new rap.

After a (year's?) absence, I am happy to hop back into the blogsphere and am putting finger to keyboard once again in an attempt to say hello to the world. All whilst simultaneously watching Law and Order and getting high off of my vanilla cupcake candle. Which, by the way, I found at an awesome sale at Michaels (holla crafters!)

I wanted to write something worthy of the comment "Kickass, Stormy! Welcome back!", but unfortunately my belly is at the moment full of Mexican food and I'm too busy paying attention to Law and -- Mythbusters. Damn channel flipper husband.

Ooh they're doing the episode where they test if drifting behind a semi truck saves you gas mileage (it does)...

Stay tuned for - posts! Maybe even daily. Topic for Friday is going to be Stormy's First Day of Jury Duty. Yippie!

If it came with frosting I'd lick it